The Wrong Side of the Bed– It’s Where I Keep My Stash of Doughnuts

The whole world woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Me. My best friend. Both of my sisters. Yep, that’s pretty much the whole world right there.

And when I discovered that I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed (that’s approximately 11:30 am, after the “perkification” effects of the coffee have worn off and left me feeling not prepared for another wonderful day but dreading any and all effort that must be put forth to accomplish anything), I did what any responsible adult would do in order to rectify the situation: I checked my Daily Horoscope.

Shockingly, it told me nothing. What are the moon, stars, and planets FOR if not for explaining and predicting my every emotion?! It did tell me to wear red, which I was already doing, but those are minor positive points in the face of so many negative ones. No advice about where to eat dinner. No insights into my inner eye and the balance of my social and intellectual self. No warnings about dark strangers dressed in 1980s fashions looking remarkably like Kevin Bacon but only pretending to be my city-slicker-turned-small-town-dance-dance-revolution-stand-up-to-the-local-powers-that-be-sexy-sexy-man-dream. Pa-shaw, Horoscope. Pa-shaw.

Then I did the next responsible thing: Found fatty and delicious food to eat. Unfortunately, this fatty and delicious food had the easily anticipated effect of making my stomach feel like little men were inside me mining my stomach for ulcers or coal, whichever comes first. Also, the food had the unfortunate quality of being fatty but not nearly as delicious as I had hoped. A sad waste of calories which could have been prevented had I just ordered that magical doughnut maker off the infomercial last night. Blast you, financial planning! It came with sprinkles!

There are two more responsible things that any adult who has woken up on the wrong side of the bed should attempt to accomplish. Or, actually, one that applies to all adults, and one that applies to mostly (but not only!) women. All responsible but inexplicably cranky adults should watch approximately 2.5 hours of indulgent television/cinematic productions. This includes movies, documentaries, and video games based on movies (or documentaries…? Do they make those? That has a strange appeal that I shall have to research, and I don’t even play video games.). For the whole world who is under the weather today, I am pleased to announce that this week begins the fall line up for major networks’ fall series, which means that not only are you indulging yourself in television, but you will actually be watching good, fresh, exciting, and culturally relevant television so that when you go to work tomorrow, you do not need to discuss the 2.5 hours you spent listening to Tabatha yell at the World’s Stupidest Salon Owners in Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. (But if you do, take notes, because Tabatha is super bad-ass.) We also won’t judge any other choices that you make regarding indulgent television– penguins are cute and Morgan Freeman has an amazing voice. Just sit on that couch like the lazy butt that you are and stare lovingly at a screen that can never love you back, no matter how much you want it to. It’s an unrequited love that you can eventually accept, unlike my unrequited love for Penn Badgely. That one haunts me daily, but the television will never abandon me.

Lastly, I would (but actually won’t) go buy myself new makeup. My primary reason for rejecting this particular step is that it’s a really long way from my couch to my car. Also, I just bought some and I don’t have that kind of money. Makeup is EXPENSIVE! But usually, I would painstakingly walk to my car and take a short trip to my local cheap retail provider and purchase an ungodly amount of health and beauty products ranging from shampoo to face wash to new eyeshadow colors to mascara. All of this is for the purpose that tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I am excited to use all of the new products that I have purchased, thereby pre-planning for an accomplished and presentable morning the next day. But today that’s just not going to happen. I’ve accepted it. Acceptance is the first step, always.

And so that is my day today. Not very exciting, but predictable in its methods of defeating the beast known as blahhhhhhhhh. (Yes, I made that up. But I like it.) I hope that you have found other methods of combating the effects of waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

And now I’m going to find some doughnuts.


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