The Post in which I do not Actually Reveal My Halloween Costume (and I Don’t Know Why)

In the past two days, I experienced a major life crisis. With only 32 days left until the Holiday of Candy and Mayhem, I have not finished my Halloween costume. Scratch that. I have hardly even started my Halloween costume. I have an idea for one, but I quite literally only own one piece of the costume. Several trips to thrift stores, the mall, and our infamous Dress Up Box are in order, and they need to happen soon.

Halloween costumes are a big deal in our household. Not because they are a measuring tool to determine your creativity, ingenuity, thriftiness, and ability to plan for extenuating weather circumstances, but because…ok that’s exactly why they’re a big deal.

My best costume as a kid was to go as a Borrower. Do you remember that movie from the 90s? It starred a whole heap of famous British actors, including Tom Felton who went on to play Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series. The Borrowers were from an old book series well before the movie, but the movie was super cute. Anyway, I had this adorable t-shirt made out of a huge piece of plaid felt and a big cardboard button sewn onto the front and back. It was precious. Of course, none of the kids knew what I was, but the adults thought I looked adorable.

And since all three of us girls went through a “Sock Hop” phase, there are multiple poodle skirts floating around our house somewhere. However, the sheer sight of a poodle skirt reminds me of how dirty the movie Grease is and the fact that I could quote that entire movie by heart in the 2nd grade. Thank goodness I don’t own saddle shoes. The whole idea makes me cringe.

In high school, Halloween stopped being cool (except for my friend Sarah! Shout out to her favorite holiday, like I do every year!) because we couldn’t go trick-or-treating and costumes were generally frowned upon at school. We had one Halloween party, that I recall, but I borrowed a costume from my sister. Another year I went to a friend’s house and watched movies: Titanic (Why? No idea…), The Hot Chick (for a laugh?), and SwimFan, which successfully ruined any possibility of my EVER watching another scary movie. EVER. I know, it’s not even that scary. It’s a pretty simple stalker movie with no special effects, aliens, or paranormal activity whatsoever. But you know what? I walked down the hallway to my bedroom that night and THERE WAS SOMEONE BEHIND ME AND SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ALL OF MY LOVED ONES. I’m also now totally freaked out of swimming pools without the room lights turned on (even though there are those lights in the water). Thanks SwimFan. You suck.

And then college happened, and the rules totally changed. Halloween is not only the greatest holiday of the year, but it lasts the whole freaking month of October.

“Do you have a Halloween costume for this weekend?”
“It’s the 9th.”
“I know. Of October.”
“Well I have my costume for Halloween.”
“You only have one costume??”
“Yes…?”
“But it’s Halloween!”
“I know, that’s why I have a costume…?”

That’s right, Halloween lasts so long that it is assumed that you wear multiple costumes. After all, embarrassing and potentially compromising pictures will be taken, and goodness knows you don’t want to be caught wearing the same outfit two weekends in a row! Said costumes should also be as tight, short, and revealing as possible (assuming you are female). Amazingly enough, I don’t really have a problem with this. There’s nothing stopping those girls from wearing similar outfits on any given occasion except their consciences. If you think that’s the expectation, then it is. If you don’t think so, then it’s not. I don’t recall looking at anyone’s Halloween costume and thinking, “My goodness, her costume would be so much better if she cut 3 inches off her hemline!”

Actually, what I end up thinking is more like, “My goodness, her costume would be so much better if I hadn’t already seen 14 French Maid outfits tonight.” Please, people, have some originality. If you’re going to do a classic costume, create it yourself. If it’s a little less traditional and you buy some pieces pre-made, PLEASE make sure they fit. Once, and only once did I order a costume online. Not only was it the most ill-fitting costume that I have ever worn, but I saw three other girls wearing my exact same costume at the ONE bar we went to, and about ten other girls wearing similar things. I felt like such a phony.

Jillian, I told myself at the end of the night in the stern voice that I use when I am highly disappointed in my own actions, never again will you purchase such a disgraceful piece of crap. Step it up next year.

And I did. Hence my crisis this year. It has been two years since that awful purchased costume, and instead of trying to best the potentially worst costume, I must now find a costume to follow what was potentially the greatest outfit I have ever created.

Hannah Montana.

How do I top that??? I can’t. That is the only conclusion that I can come to. The sparkly hair extentions. The purple fringe boots. The lace vest. The fake eyelashes and plastic microphone/lip gloss compact. (Not even kidding. It was bomb dot com.) They should all be recorded in Halloween history right next to the first person to ever wear a Quail Man costume (not the 20,000 posers you’ve seen in every year since then) and Ted Mosbey’s Hanging Chad outfit from that episode of How I Met Your Mother. Instead, I have decided to pursue a less flashy persona for my Halloween endeavors, and just fully commit myself to it, body, mind, and soul.

But this committment is weighing so heavily on my mind that I’m actually starting to worry that I can’t pull it off. I need some immediate Halloween therapy, to take place at retail stores in and around my local area.

And I will probably end spending more money than if I had bought a different outfit online. No matter! I have principles, people. Principles.

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