I’m Like the Jack Bauer of Typing

I always get a kick out of people who write in all caps. I can’t help it, I just always assume that they’re yelling. Then I giggle. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with writing in all caps. But whenever most of us want to say something and say it REALLY LOUDLY, we would write it like that. So can you blame me? I figure it out after a few words, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not caught off guard. And sometimes the things they write just shouldn’t be yelled.

“HI HONEY GRANDMA CALLED LAST WEEK AND WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HER KNEE IS FEELING STIFF SO WHEN YOU STOP BY TOMORROW ON YOUR WAY HOME COULD YOU CLEAN THE TOILET FOR HER? THNX LOVE MOM.”

Geez, you’d think there was a pack of hyenas snarling at the computer, and she just wasn’t sure that you’d be able to hear her typing over the sound of their menacing yips.

And so, since these CAPS LOCK JUNKIES have such a startling and silly effect on me, I’ve decided to experiment with other font options.

If I write everything in red, bold lettering, are you assuming that I’m an angry, unforgiving, and most of all quick tempered person? Oh good.

How about an underline? I think that makes everything I write look like a title, and In Fact I’m Going To Have To Capitalize Every Word That I Type In Order To Make It Look More Official And Therefore Earn Infinite Amounts Of Respect From My Audience. (BTW there are some words that you don’t actually have to capitalize in a title, like “of,” but I think that’s poppycock. If my writing is going to look like a title all the time, then I’m going to make sure that every single word gets its due.)

*What if I started every sentence with an asterisk? *Then all of my sentences would seem like additional, but nonetheless vital, points to be made. *However, it could be assumed that my sentences were actually corrections made at a later date, which, while implying that I do an excellent job reviewing my work, also implies that I am consistently in error. *Like that could be true…

Oooh…What if I ended every sentence with an ellipsis…Then all of my sentences would be mysterious and ongoing…And also it would look like I can’t actually finish a conclusion…So…

And lastly comes my very favorite. You totally leaned in to the computer in order to better hear the whisper of my typed words, didn’t you? I knew it. Now I’m secretive, demure, and possibly the latest victim in an NCIS investigation. Thus I can accomplish my long-time goal of meeting Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

Ok, I can’t actually make that happen all the time. Some thoughts just don’t seem appropriate in a whisper. Like the funny ones. They call it “laugh out loud” because “laugh quietly to yourself” doesn’t sound cool when you abbreviate it. LQTY. Le-qu-tee? Liquidy? No teenager is going to use that, and then Google, Facebook, and Hot Topic will go out of business and the world will implode.

So it’s settled. In order to save the world, I will speak/type in this regular, slightly boring font.

You’re welcome.

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