Of Ice Queens and Unibrows

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Of Ice Queens and Unibrows

I have always thought of myself as a very sensitive person. I tend to take things very personally– criticism, jokes, people who ignore me. I’m also a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, a friend to all in need. It’s my claim to fame. My compassion and emotional nature have been what set me apart from the hordes of bitchy women who believe that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good way to get it caught in the car door.

But yesterday, I discovered that I was wrong.

My very dear friend and I made a last ditch effort to catch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 while it was still in theaters. She finally finished the books, and so she “convinced” me (like it was hard) to go see it for the third (Third? Yes, third I think…) time before the long wait for the DVD release.

Over and over again, she would grab my hand and gasp, or I would frantically tap her knee, “Look, look! This is a great part!” And throughout most of the movie, she had one or both hands to her eyes to wipe away the tears.

Was I crying? Nope. Did I cry the first time I saw it? Nope. Did I cry the second time I saw it? Nope.

And then it hit me. I am a cold-hearted, unfeeling woman. I should only wear skinny jeans from now on and sweep my bangs over one eye because my soul is blackest of black. I can’t even write angsty poems, because such poems require feelings, and clearly I have none.

Do you know what else doesn’t make me cry? The ASPCA commercials with abandoned animals and Sarah McLachlan singing in the background. Or that scene from A Walk to Remember when Mandy Moore tells Shane West that she has cancer. Or most episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, even though I know that they do amazing work and change the lives of some very deserving families. I know all these things, but do I feel it? Nope.

Not a tear. Not a wimper. No tissues or nose blowing or high-pitched gasping breaths.

Jillian! you’re telling me (because I can hear your thoughts…), you simply have trouble responding to intensely emotional situations. They just affect you differently. You’re not cold-hearted!

Stop it, people. Do not try to baby me. I am an Ice Queen, less loving even than the witch from Narnia. I do not deserve such sympathy, because I will give you none.

Do you know what I was thinking about while watching Deathly Hallows? Not how much Fred’s death would affect the Weasley family, or how noble Professor Snape was to uphold his love for Harry’s mother through all those years.

Oh no. I was thinking that Daniel Radcliffe needs a date with a pair of tweezers. Serious eyebrow overgrowth on that man…

So there you have it. My heart is frozen like an eternal popsicle. It’s a sad, sad world, and I, for one, can do nothing to make it better.

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