Do you ever look back upon a situation and realize that after months of internal contemplation, you have the perfect response to interject in a conversation which you previously ignored? Otherwise known as “Dude, if I had said that, it would have been totally awesome…”? That is where my head as been at lately. Besides the inevitable sad songs that evoke streaming, uncontrollable tears and the burning desire to slap…oh…about eight people, it’s a good time.
Here is the best one. Background information: Some friends from home came to visit for the weekend; two stayed with me, and we went out on Saturday night with another friend from high school. This other friend invited us to a party because she knew one of the women hosting it. When we arrived, we found out that this hostess was also roommates with someone else we went to high school with.
Read: We walked in to an impromptu, completely unwelcome, three year high school reunion. Gross.
Luckily for me, a bunch of the guys there frequented the gym, so I went over to say a quick “hi,” and then figured my duty had been completed. While standing there awkwardly, this is not at all what actually happened, but if it had, my life would be 136% better. Names have been changed to protect the one whom I wish I could go back and humiliate for simply being stupid.
Jillian: “Hey guys. What’s up?”
Guys: “Not much.” *Shrugs. *Bobbing head nods. *Sips of beer.
Jillian: “Cool. Well I just wanted to say hi. Have a good night.”
Different guy who is walking up to the group, very very drunk, but whom I also went to high school with and have known for seven years: “Hey. My name is Todd Barber. What’s your name?”
*Pause for effect.
Jillian: “Oh my God! Eric Todd Barber? That Todd Barber?!”
Eric Todd Barber: “Uhh…yeah. Have we met?”
Jillian: “No, but I obviously know who you are! What kind of an idiot wouldn’t recognize you?!”
Eric Todd Barber: “Uhh…recognize me from what?”
Jillian: “That YouTube video, of course!”
Eric Todd Barber: “Uhh…what YouTube video?”
Jillian: “The one you’re in! It’s all the rage here at school. We talk about it all the time. Boys, how come you didn’t tell me you knew Eric Todd Barber?! God, it’s so funny. I just roll on the floor every time I watch it. Especially that part with the duck…”
Eric Todd Barber: “The duck…”
Jillian: “Oh my God, yeah. The duck is hilarious. And then of course there’s the part when you try to put your socks over your head. So funny. I can’t believe those guys actually wrote those things on your face, though.”
Eric Todd Barber: “They wrote…on my face…”
Jillian: “Yeah, pretty mean if you ask me. But you were such a good sport about it, laughing and mumbling something about your favorite puppets as a kid and how being in a Dungeons and Dragons club has never prevented you from getting women. You know, not many men can be that secure. It’s great that you can show a confident face to the world even when it’s covered in those types of pictures. Well anyway, I have to get back to my friends, but it was great to meet you! It’s like my very own celebrity moment!”
Eric Todd Barber: “Yeah…”
That would have been sweet. I wish I could say that I actually was that quick on my feet and able to pull that one off. Now that it is in the back of my head, it will happen someday. For now, I will settle for writing down my semi-revengeful thoughts.
BTW, what I actually said was, “Uhh…my name is Jillian. We went to high school together.” I’m really cool.