Due to my neurotic fear of car accidents, I have an overarching hatred for almost all other drivers because they will inevitably lead to my demise. The two worst offenders are tailgaters and people who don’t know how to use a four-way-stop. I found someone who knows the best way to combat the former.
Today, I was following (at a safe distance that would not be considered tailgating) a guy with this bumper sticker:
STOP TAILGATING ME OR I WILL FLICK A BOOGER AT YOUR WINDSHIELD.
Oh. My. God. Why has nobody thought of this before??? This idea is brilliant for two reasons.
The first is that this dude freely admits to picking his nose in the car, which we all do because obviously the car is a bubble of protection where no one can hear what you say or see what you do, including singing along to the radio and smelling your armpits to make sure your deodorant has not failed. If he is not actively picking his nose at the time you observe him, he must have a small stash of pre-picked boogers– a thought which by all rights should make you cringe and gag simultaneously.
The second is that he is supporting a disgusting but completely legal method of dissuading tailgaters. Having lived through the country’s largest Swine Flu outbreak, I know that boogers are a powerful deterrant from deviant behavior. Actually, the guys who probably would have threatened each other with boogers were puking violently into hastily found buckets, but you get the picture.
So now, contaminators and social miscreants alike, I fully support threats of using of boogers to change the behavior of those around you. Teachers giving too much homework? People jay-walking in the middle of the city? Election returns not going your way? Doughnut have too many sprinkles on it?
If you didn’t like it, then you should have flicked a booger at it.
(Meet you all in the Purell aisle!)