If You Would Like to Celebrate with Me, Feel Free to Bring Presents!

Today marks one year from my last official break up. Happy Single-hood Anniversary, Jillian! (Hey, thanks! I totally wasn’t expecting that! I’m so flattered that you remembered! Of course, I always accept gifts…)

Yes, I do remember the date when my last boyfriend and I broke up. I’m not sure why, but I think that maybe there will be power in being single for an entire year. You know, a certain poise. A grace. A confidence mixed with desperation which inevitably adds up to my emotional maturity and choice of a sophisticated and responsible life-path, leading me directly to my desired life partner. Or I’ll just be able to score a lot of free drinks.

This is not to say that there haven’t been other “potentials,” just no “officials.” However, we all know that “potential” and “official” are significantly different. So different, in fact, that I wrote THIS AMAZING BLOG POST RIGHT HERE to describe it. (The “potential” at the time called it “adorably neurotic.” I honestly can’t think of a better description of myself as a person. Did I mention that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am afraid of making noise when I walk? Adorable.)

I also thought that I’d get the jump on the Valentine’s Day hatred by posting this today. My secret? I don’t actually hate Valentine’s Day. Sure, I feign bitterness, since I’ve never had a date for Valentine’s Day, but it’s all a sham. Who can hate a holiday that is all about chocolate?! Plus I look amazing in red, I think pizza and wine make an excellent combination, and I suppose I just maybe kinda sorta have a soft spot for chick flicks. I feel perfectly capable of celebrating Valentine’s Day on my own and really don’t need to throw a hissy fit about it.

So, one full year on my own, here is my tribute to single-hood. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll send me expensive jewelry…

____________________________

Single…It Means Way Shorter Rides On The Rollercoaster of Life

We Are Trendy…
As a single young woman, I get excellent fashion advice…from Vanna White, whom I watch on Wheel of Fortune every night after dinner.

We Inspire Creativity In Others…
When you’re dating someone, even when it’s not serious or long-term, people are a little more hesitant to tease you about potential life partners. Luckily, being single has placed me squarely back in the “tease-able” category. Case in point: one of my supervisors at work decided that my future husband is our 60+ year old truck driver. Who wears a do-rag over his flowing locks of thinning white hair. We never learned his name, but we determined that it would be something strong, steady, and dependable. Like Sam. Or Joe. Or Sam-Joe, because two names are better than one. Unfortunately, my claim to Sam-Joe was revoked by my supervisor due to my disinterest. Shoot…

We Still Make Our Family Members Feel Needed…
Then there are the serious attempts at match making (or at least semi-serious), the best examples of which always come from one’s family. My family is no exception. Just a couple of days ago, I got a text from my mom stating simply, “We found you a husband.” Then she told me that he’s my sister’s volleyball coach, well educated, AND attends the same denomination of church that I do. As if that wasn’t creepy enough, my dad managed to take a PICTURE of this good looking fellow while he was looking the other direction! When they came home, my mom informed me that this guy might be married, but they weren’t sure, and she was bound and determined to find out. After some online research (Oh, I’m completely serious…), my parents were still uncertain as to his marital status, but they did find out that he is 11 years older than me– i.e. he graduated college when I graduated 5th grade. My mom has, thankfully, given up this dream marriage and moved on to setting him up with another family friend. For my life, she has reverted back to her diabolical plans to set me up with the neighbor’s son. Or her friend’s new boyfriend’s son. Or the bartender at the new sports bar. I’ll keep you posted on how those go…

We Control Our Budgets…
Being single just means one less Christmas present to buy. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. I have a hard enough time coming up with what presents to ask people for, let alone buy for a significant other. When I was a kid, my mom would ask me what I wanted for Christmas/birthdays, and my ingenious answer was, “If I tell you, then it won’t be a surprise when I get it.” So helpful. Some days I even have a hard time deciding what my favorite color is. The fewer people’s whose minute details of taste I have to memorize, the better.

And Then We Boost The Economy…
Single people make up 83% of Chinese takeout sales in the United States. Neil Patrick Harris told me.

We Develop Only The Most Essential Skills…
Schedule juggling is tough. I have a pace to my own life that I love (or hate, depending on the day), and I plan other little things around it. Like when I go grocery shopping, allowing ample time to curse at the self-checkout machines and bringing along anti-anxiety tablets (aka Gummy Bears) to sooth my extreme fear. Or when I vacuum (because I totally do that…). Or when I shave my legs.

We Are Choosers, Not Beggars…
It would be super precious to have that one special someone to accompany you to all of your important events. But since I don’t, I get to choose WHOEVER THE HECK I WANT! Get invited to a wedding that I really don’t want to go to? Invite my guy friend who is on friendly terms with the bride but knows that I secretly can’t stand her and will therefore feign violent illness just after the cake is served. Have tickets to a sporting event that just happen to be several seats away from my high school crush? Invite another guy friend, funny but althetically challenged, to said event so that my own wit and sports knowledge comes shining through in my enthusiasm. Have a Girls’ Night activity where I only know the hostess? Don’t bring any guy, but borrow the guy’s car so that when I step out of it, my fantastic high heels are just the cherry on top.

We Give Network And Cable Stations Their Proper Ratings…
It’s pretty obvious (and if it isn’t, then you have big problems) that your significant other should be, you know, significant. That means spending a lot of them with them. I know that I spend a lot of time on the couch and that some people think that that time could be better spent, but I’m here to tell you this is false. I, a single woman, play an integral role in promoting the best shows of television right now. If I had to factor in someone else, there is no way that I could properly support How I Met Your Mother, The Bachelor(ette), American Idol, NCIS, Glee, New Girl, Big Bang Theory, Top Chef, Say Yes to the Dress, and whatever appropriate holiday or musical events happen to be airing that week. You can’t tell me that’s not important. You just can’t.

We Get Sympathy…
Blind dates (aka free food). Drinks at the bar. Extra cookies from grandma. Everybody feels sorry for the single one. It’s great. I intend to milk it for all it’s worth. That being said, my favorite color (today) is orange. I prefer silver over gold. Chocolate is great. Gift Certificates are never frowned upon, especially for massages, manicures, or pedicures. Perfumes, as long as they don’t smell like I rolled around in a flowerbed. Any movie with Colin Firth. Are those ideas enough? Let me know if you need more 🙂

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One thought on “If You Would Like to Celebrate with Me, Feel Free to Bring Presents!

  1. Pingback: You Trust Me to Pretend to be a Lesbian, Right? | brillianttitle

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