I Like the Ones that Don’t Require Me to Buy Things. (Resolutions. Also, Men.)

Hey y’all! (Yes, I say y’all. It’s a quirk for a lot of people from my part of the country because we feel inadequate not having a specific accent.) Hope you had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Winter Solstice celebration! If you still have a Christmas hangover, I completely understand. If you still have a real hangover, I’m not sure I want to know how your family celebrates Christmas.

But now that the majority of winter holidays have been completed, we all turn in fear and loathing (Only some of us in Las Vegas. It’s a bitter subject.) to our New Years Resolutions.

Last year my New Years Resolution was this ugly duckling of a blog. Originally, I was supposed to write one post a week for the year.

Uh…yeah. Like that happened.

But I did write more than one for every two weeks of the year! Blog brownie points for me!

So now I’m trying to come up with something else. Since I will (hopefully, keep your fingers crossed) be leaving the Land of Minivans in order to become certified even more intelligent, it needs to be something that I can reasonably continue after my move.

Here are some of the contenders:

Lose Some Weight
Oh, the eternal resolution. But guess what, suckers? I made this resolution 3 years ago, lost 30 pounds, and kept it off! And no, I didn’t use a certain diet, so I’m getting absolutely no compensation for using those words. If there is a diet program out there which would like me to lie to the world about my weight loss and pay me to do it, feel free to contact me. Since this particular resolution isn’t really a resolution for me at all, let’s try two others…

Exercise More
Ok, yeah, I suppose I could. But I already go to the gym very often, and starting bright and early on January 2nd, you know that the other Resolutioners are going to be swarming every gym in the area, making it impossible to get on any machines. Plus, if you haven’t already read this post, you should read it and find out about the unexpected tragedies that could befall you. Caution, my friends. Caution.

Take My Vitamins
I just started doing this last week. I’m not sure if it counts or not, since I started it before Christmas. Perhaps the New Years Resolution Patrol will tell me that it’s not good enough. (Is there such thing as the NYRP? I’m actually a little intimidated thinking about it, even though I totally made it up in my head. My eighth grade English teacher told us that the MLA has spies who will track you down if you don’t cite your sources correctly, and I still totally believe her…) In fact, it just feels kinda weak in general. You know, like wimping out on a NYR. Am I a wimp?! Well, yes, but that’s beside the point…

Go Vegetarian/Vegan/Gluten Free/Lactose Free
About that. I’m already Lactose intolerant, so that’s kind of a cop out. I once said I could eat a whole zebra, so being a vegetarian is out. No, I haven’t ever actually eaten zebra, but I’ve heard it tastes just like chicken. Vegan is just vegetarian on steriods. Yeah, pass. And then there’s gluten free. Unfortunately, this is actually a viable option. I’ve been contemplating going gluten free for a couple of months to see if I could overcome the constant, stabbing pains in my stomach. It started yesterday and will be continuing for two weeks, after which time I will reevaluate my situation. The major trick is that I have very few alternative options around the house. Ugh, a trip to the grocery store…


Update My Wardrobe
Is it better to look like a poor college student and therefore garner pity money from friends and relatives, or to actually appear like a successful young person whose clothes were not all purchased as gifts by my aunt? Probably the latter. NEW SHOES!!!


Yeah, it’s a good idea. I should make a list of books to read so that when I go off to become certifed even more intelligent, I don’t come off as certified could have been more intelligent in the first place. Books like The Iliad, The Count of Monte Cristo, and something by John Locke. Also, the Curious George books. Boom. Reading list complete.

Pluck My Eyebrows More Often
Now here is a lofty ambition. In fact, it may just be the perfect NYR. It’s hygenic, it’s schedule-able (?), and I feel that it will have a significant positive impact on my life. Since I prefer not to look like Emma Watson in the middle Harry Potter movies (when her eyebrows seemed to get a script of their own), it will also inadvertently cause me to be more organized. Do you know where your tweezers are? Because I’m pretty sure there are six of them in my bathroom, and they all get up and walk away when I attempt to find them. Tweezers are like the predecessors to bobby pins (which are the herpes of hair accessories, so I’m not sure what that makes tweezers…).

Get The Fastest Time Of The Year At The Local Go-Kart Track
Actually, this isn’t a real goal, just a crazy idea I had while going go-karting for the first time in like 10 years. So. Much. Fun. However, if I made it my goal to have the fastest time, I would be out a ton of money because races are expensive. Plus, while I’m driving I can’t quite forget my eternal fear that I am going to die in a fiery car crash of doom. So there’s that…

Well duh. There’s no way I’m giving up this thing now. It’s mine, I tell you! Plus I’ve just started the wonderful habit of referencing my old posts in my new posts so as to continue to generate reads and get you addicted to my blog. I’m a self-serving, verbal crack dealer. And if you haven’t noticed, all of the posts I’m linking to in this paragraph actually have nothing to do with what I’m writing right now. But you should go read them, because even more are coming in 2012!

Happy New Year! What are you resolutions? Anything else I should add to my list?


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