I would like someone, an astrophysicist or String Theory expert or religious leader of any type besides Scientology, to explain to me why Bad Timing exists.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you a delicious breakfast, complete with tea in a cup with a saucer, sit back and relax while enjoying it…so that by the time you take a shower, there will be no more hot water.

(I am speaking both literally and metaphorically here. That shower was dang cold this morning. But now, metaphorically…)

And even that wouldn’t be that bad if you could just say, “Ooops! Guess this shower is going to have to wait a little while,” and then hop back out and watch TV for an hour or so. Instead, the water turns cold at the moment of commitment, while you have just begun shampooing your hair.

You can’t get out, because that’s just silly. You can’t really finish shampooing and then get out, because you’ll still be soaking wet and then have to get back in the shower later and do it all over again. Instead, you have to finish the shower in the ice cold water.

It won’t just be your “jump in, jump out” shower either. You’ll have to scrape the bottle for conditioner, squeeze the facewash tube hard enough to get barely enough, start to shave your legs and underarms with shaving cream that is about to run out so it spits and spurts that liquidy mess into your hands and then you drop the razor and the shower washes off part of the shaving cream and you just can’t seem to get it all done. Is this metaphor working for you?

This is the longest, coldest shower you have ever taken.

While you’re stuck in this downpour of misery, you start to think. If I hadn’t waited so long, this wouldn’t have happened. If I had just waited a little longer, this wouldn’t have happened. If I didn’t feel the compulsive need to shower all the time, this wouldn’t have happened. (Ok, that one’s not quite true. It works in the metaphorical sense, but not in the literal. Please continue to perform your good hygiene habits like the squeaky clean adults that you are. Thanks!) The thinking only makes it worse, you know. Stepping out of the shower would work perfectly well, and then the ordeal would be done and you could move on. But where’s the torture in that? The What-Ifs make the shower last even longer, and the torment continues.

So what is it? Some Jedi mind trick? A part of God’s “plan”? An after-effect of the 8th dimension? Not enough fiber?

Please tell me!

And then, could you hand me my towel?


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