Bachelor Ben Bids Blogger Bye Bye!

So long, Jenna the Blogger.

We weren’t surprised. A contestant on a reality show who gives herself the title The Over-Analyzer? She was always doomed to go home in a fiery explosion of hairspray and broken dreams.

The sad part is that she only got two episodes of air time to over-analyze her actual interactions with Ben the Bad-Haired Bachelor, and now she has the whole rest of the season to over-analyze from the comfort of her own couch.

(To be fair, I love men with long hair. Ben just needs to grow it a little longer or get it cut; my vote is for the latter. Having his hair hit the top of his ears rather makes his head look like this <>. Maybe diamond heads are the new hipsters. God I hope not…)

In true Bachelor fashion, there were enough tears last night to properly water down all of the wine. And who waters down the wine anymore? Not the bachelorettes, that’s who! But they needed to, after the baton twirling, weasels, and tonsil hockey.

Tell me, Jenna the Over-Analyzer. Was his tongue getting tired? Because that sure seems like a lot of work. Plus he’s got to learn the individual techniques of each of the girls, right? That’s almost like choosing a piece of workout equipment– 20 minutes on the treadmill, another 10 on the Stairmaster, 35 on the elliptical, and back on the treadmill for 15 more (just to properly wrap up the night, you know). Whew! Let’s get that guy some Gatorade…

Is there a correlation between length of acryllic nails and the number of times a woman is called a bitch? Because that relationship would be pretty easy to track. Before each season starts, we could measure the nail length, and then factor in the growth of each woman’s nails throughout the weeks of the show. If the show hires a manicurist (which it does, you better believe it), then we’d probably have to interview him or her and determine how often those manicures will occur. We wouldn’t want our scientific data to be compromised. That would be terrible. Then, during each episode, we’ll count up the number of times each woman is called a bitch, and at the end of the season we’ll have a quantifiable example of how reality TV is a complete waste of time. BRILLIANT!

I know, I know. I watch the show. Actually, I never miss an episode. I refused to look at a tabloid for three days after I came home from my Caribbean vacation so that I didn’t find out who Ashley the Per-Feckt Bachelorette chose at the end of her season. (It didn’t work, but I tried.) But it’s all for fun. And self-confidence boosts. And to marvel at modern day editing techniques that make semi-rational women look like screaming banshees who are high on nail polish remover.

Which brings me back to Jenna the Blogger. Poor girl, she was definitely in over her head, with 24 other women and one alarmingly bland man to Over-Analyze. In the spirit of Over Analyzing, I’ve been contemplating the reasons that no blogger/freelance writer/artist of any kind has “done well” on the Bachelor or Bachelorette. (Edit: Tenley, the female runner up for the first season of The Bachelor Pad who could probably sing out the window and have local squirrel colonies bob their heads in time to the music, is a ballet dancer by hobby and a college admissions officer by career. Not the same thing.) Is is because artists are just naturally hotter than everyone else, and we make people jealous? Is it because we use intimidating and excessively large words? Is it because we title our pieces using clever alliteration? Or is it because whenever anything, significant or miniscule, occurs in our lives, we immediately begin thinking about how to incorporate it into our latest story/article/blog post? We spin it, twist it, relate it, confuse it, rewrite it, rework it, talk about it, think about it, sleep on it, tell the story six times, and then finally decided that “it will do.” Even with the magic of television, Jenna the Blogger just couldn’t accomplish all of that in two hours of air time.

And so her emotions dissolved into a sea of salty desperation and running mascara.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Jenna the Blogger. But thanks for giving me something to write about.

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