I finally got the good news!
Christ is risen! Oh, I’m a couple of months early for that exclamation…
But I am going to Graduate School! Hooray!
The glorious, much anticipated phone call came in yesterday afternoon.
Suddenly, my life had meaning again. Not that I don’t adore opening boxes for seven hours a day– it is doing wonderful things for my hands– but I would like to interact with people on a regular basis to whom I don’t have to suggest that they open an in-store credit card. Clearly, based on some of these past blog posts, I have been dreaming of other jobs which will throw me in the way of fame and fortune: astronauts, horror film actors, Reality TV stars, etc. Then, this wonderful, attractive man with a sultry voice (I have no idea what he looks like, but in my mind he looks like Antonio Banderas because that’s how much I wanted to hear from him) calls me and tells me that I am on the path to meeting Ellen DeGeneres.
Ok, he didn’t actually say that, but that’s definitely what he meant.
However, despite how many times I have sprinted to the mailbox to see if a letter from one of my colleges has arrived (after changing out of my sweats into jeans, because the mailbox is outside the home of a neighbor with two very attractive sons…), I’m not quite sure why I picked up the phone at that particular moment.
You see, I had just gotten out of the shower, and I may or may not have been only partially dressed at the time.
Bow Chicka Waaaw Waaaw…
So there I am, with a towel around my head, attempting to pull on pants as I have the phone pressed between my ear and my shoulder, trying to flirt with this man whom I have never met, lest he telepathically comprehend my naked status and determine that I am not fit for graduate studies.
I came up with some big words, but that’s about all I got.
Luckily, he asked, “Do you have some time to talk? You’re welcome to call me back later if this is an inconvenient time.”
If I said, “Actually, I’m going to have to call you back in a few,” it would have clearly implied that I was engaging in some questionable behavior. Tagging government buildings. Soliciting promiscuity online. Eating red meat.
Of course I had to say, “Oh this is just fine! Let me go grab a pad of paper and a pen! I’m going to set the phone down for just a second.”
Boom! Saved it.
I did grab the paper and pen, but I also pulled a shirt over my head. Fully clothed, it was now appropriate for me to discuss my future in academia. Academics do not discuss underwear, as we all know. If they do, they call it “lingerie” or “unmentionables” in order to retain some semblance of vocabulary snobbery. My new cohorts will probably never see this blog, due to all the nakedness. Then, when I go on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, it will come as a shock to all of them. I like this plan more and more; overnight success stories always get more attention.
Anyway, now I’m doing the Multicultural Happy Dance! Every person does it slightly differently, but always with the same joy seeping from every orifice! And it never ends! I want to use exclamation points for every single sentence! That is how excited I am!
There’s no good way to end this post, because my emphatic expressions of happiness never end! Have a great weekend, people! Don’t answer the phone naked!