Why, oh why did I get here at 10 o’clock in the morning? Everyone gets here at 10 o’clock in the morning. And what do they do?
They take up all the parking spaces, that’s what they do. Then I have to drive around and–
Nope. She’s getting out of the car, not getting in. Make up your mind, stupid.
Still driving. Around in circles. That’s right, minivan, I see you. Good luck finding a spot up there. You’re just going to turn around at the dead end. Just like me. Minivan doesn’t make you special. It makes you obsolete. And also larger than my mid-sized sedan, which can fit into any parking space with unsnobbish convenience. Boom. Roasted.
Stupid cars. Can’t even take up a normal amount of space.
Around. And around. Door…opening…YES!
Follow you, oh yes I will, like a really bad stalker. An obvious stalker. An obvious stalker who wants your parking space. I don’t want pictures. Don’t flatter yourself. Your baby isn’t that cute.
And I creep. And I creep. And my car is begging to be in neutral. And I creep some more.
Mhmmm…that’s a good looking space. Right next to the fire hydrant. You know. Just in case. Short distance to the door. Full sun to warm up my seats when I get back inside. Oh yeah, worth the wait.
You were NOT waiting for that spot, Different Minivan From The Last One I Saw! I WAS! I followed her! I wasted precious gas on her! I may have insulted her family, but I have earned this space!
Yep, I wave to you too. Curl my lip in a snarky smile. And then I wish parasite infested mosquitoes to house their bloodsucking colonies inside your dashboard.
Back to the dead end. Turn around again. Wonder if anyone would notice if I just rammed my car into that little hatchback? Not a big dent, just enough to say, “I deserve a better parking space than you because I’m just an all around better person.”
Ugh. Jeep. Just pulled in and snagged that woman walking out the front door. Why didn’t I just sit in front of the door?! Now he’s parked, and I’m still circling like a one-eyed goldfish.
(I had a one-eyed goldfish. He could only swim around the bowl in one direction. Such a sad life.)
OH! YES! YES I SEE YOU! YOU’RE PARKED RIGHT THERE? IN THE SPOT THAT I JUST PASSED? I WILL REVERSE TO CLAIM IT! DON’T YOU WORRY! YOU WEREN’T ACTUALLY WORRIED BECAUSE IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER TO YOU WHERE I PARK! WHY AM I STILL YELLING?
Ok, I’m good now. Blinker is on. Left her enough room to back out of her space, but not enough to let someone else try to snag it. It is mine. My precious. Eww, never make that voice again. Ok, actually you can. Just not on a date. That’s a good compromise.
Parked. Yes? Yes. Made it. Ha! Good luck, Stupid Car Just Entering The Parking Lot.
Oh, now you decide to leave. All of you. Wait. Really? You’re all leaving? Right now? So they all get parking spaces? Just like that?
I hate you.
Update: My post inspired this post
by my best friend Jeremy. It has nothing to do with parking lots.