If Wedding Invites Could Talk

You are cordially invited to witness the marriage of A Blissfully Happy Bride and Her Soon-to-be-Hubby, as announced by Parents Number 1 and Parents Number 2, on A Particular Saturday of A Summer Month, in the Year of Our Lord Sometime Soon, at a Location Several Hours Away From You.


Reception to follow. Cake is a certainty. Aunt Paula will tell you that you look chubby.


Do not look at your calendar. Your schedule is free. Your only “Social Events” are other weddings. You’re not that popular, and you have no excuses. Put the invitation on the fridge, already.


Yes, the engagement photo on the cover of this invitation is adorable. Yes, the couple’s five year relationship does make you look like a Night of Cheap Fun. Don’t worry. When you eventually get married, they will buy you an expensive gift because they will be happily established and stable. Or they’ll have six children and not a penny to spare. That’s what you get for waiting so long.


Go get your hair cut. And buy a new dress. Not too much cleavage. Remember, there will be clergy there. And booze. On second thought, maybe you should wear a turtleneck. The groom’s divorced father doesn’t know your name. Let’s keep it that way.


Gifts are expected. When you peruse the non-specific store of beds, baths, and things beyond that, be sure to pick up the latest As Seen On TV items. You need a crock pot that almost makes smoothies. You really do.


You should work out. Get a little tone in those arms. Don’t diet. Just don’t do it. Dieting will result in two outcomes. You will either finally feel liberated at this celebratory occasion and gorge yourself on pasta, or you will continue to eat too little and end up sloshed on cheap wine. You don’t want that hangover.


Bob Seger will make an appearance on the playlist several times. Be prepared to sing your heart out.


The groomsmen are all married. Or gay. Or both.


Your presence to celebrate this blessed union is much appreciated. Sucker.


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