Another Reason My Children Will Thank Me

I will admit, I have a list of baby names for my future offspring. The names will not be bequeathed any time soon, but nevertheless, they are there on my mental post-it pad. However, my family is, shall we say, rather conservative. My choices for baby names, while not completely outlandish, may not “just tickle” my grandmother’s fancy. (She has never said that phrase in her entire life. And she never will.) After the family shot down one of my mother’s picks for my sister’s name, I have been strategizing for the day when I, too, will have to answer to them.\

So here’s my plan. When (and if) that far off moment occurs and I become pregnant, I am going to gently prepare my family…

By telling them the most atrocious names I can come up with.

There will be some tears, some screaming, and endless merciless mocking over the Easter dinner table. I may be denied jello. It’s going to take an iron will and a stone poker face (which I totally don’t have) to convince my toughest critics that the next member of their family will be fodder for ridicule for as long as he or she shall live. And that I’m totally ok with it.

Then, when New Baby arrives and I reveal his or her actual name, my family will heave a sigh of relief, and I will be a hero!

I am beginning my practice now. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  • Crescent Wrench
  • Perkins
  • Cowlick
  • Letterhead
  • Hercules
  • Czecho Slovakia
  • Ebola
  • Tampax
  • Alice Cooper
  • Sanka Durice
  • Pantene
  • Birch
  • Effie Trinket
  • Opossum
  • McLovin
  • Chumbawumba
  • Bubblewrap
  • Tom Cruise
  • Gluten
  • Roy G. Biv
  • Cumulus
  • Pudding
  • Donatello

(Actually, Donatello might be in the running. Then my kid will grow up to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. And that would be awesome.)

If you follow me on Twitter (@JillsBrilliant), you know that my last name is Clark. So if I marry a man whose last name is Kent, I will hyphenate my name and become Mrs. Clark-Kent. It should be noted, therefore, that Lois Lane, Peter Parker, and Bruce Wayne (and possibly Robin) are all also in the running.

Lois Lane Clark-Kent. It has a nice ring to it.

What do you think? Anything I missed?


12 thoughts on “Another Reason My Children Will Thank Me

  1. Before my sister gave birth to his first grandchild, my mother’s father would call her up and offer absurd names from literature. It was his idea of a joke, but also his way of conveying the fact that he was so excited that he couldn’t read ANYTHING without thinking of (t)his unborn lineage.

    Personally, I’ve only named one child and it was one of the biggest and most difficult tasks I’ve faced. In the end, knowing you’ll be a great parent, the child will be much more important than their name…

    • With two wonderful parents who painstakingly chose our names and then spent many years making sure we were good people behind them, I know that you are quite right 🙂

  2. HAHA, your list of names really cracked me up. I think my personal favorites are Czecho Slovakia and Gluten. You know, compared to all the rest of these names, Perkins doesn’t even seem that out there.

  3. Since I have a common last name it’s important to give a kid a not so common first name. I was thinking of King as a first name and James as a miidle name, or maybe Apple as a first name and Macintosh as
    middle name. It’s fun to think of funny names to give a kid but usually I use these crazy names for a cat.

  4. I can definitely help you with your poker face.

    I know guys aren’t supposed to, but I already know the name I want to give to my first girl. I don’t know why I love it so much, because I have never met anyone with this name.

    And that is an A+ business strategy to hit ’em with the big blow, so that the real news doesn’t hurt as much.

    • Should I ever need advice on the subject, you will be my first call to develop my poker face.

      Thank you for the affirmation of my business sense!

      And it doesn’t surprise me that you have one of your kids’ names picked out. I hope you continue to never meet anyone with the name, because it means that the name will never be ruined for you. And the day you get to use it will be a very happy one indeed 🙂

  5. This is days late but we called my nephew Humperdink for months before he was born because my sister-in-law didn’t want any opinions on the actual name. My brother admitted on a few occasions that he kept forgetting what they were planning on calling the baby once he was born.

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