My Real Friends Don’t Even Care About My Pancreas

I have an oddly affectionate attitude towards spammers. I can’t help it; I just love them. The out of context comments. The poor grammar. The flagrant self-promotion. I love them all.

Perhaps it stems from the ego boost spammers give me. Someone, somewhere, probably a computer generated identity named Ginger, has created a random search and discovered my blog. That makes me special, right?! However, there’s more to it than that. I even love spammers on other people’s blogs for one simple reason: They make me laugh.

I have started saving my spammer posts (the ones that don’t automatically get the axe) instead of deleting them in order to get a quick giggle. Other, more popular blogs probably get a lot more spam than I do, which is why I find it endearing and they find it a waste of virtual space. Usually, the spam I get is just ads to get more traffic to my site. But every once in a while I get a gem.

Imagine my dismay, this week, at discovering that my blog automatically deletes spam post after a certain number of days that they sit unapproved. Let me take the time to immortalize them here.

The first was an informative comment about the dangers of diabetes and how I can best manage it with the help of a new drug therapy. Now don’t you worry, I’m not holding out on y’all. Hypochondria aside, I definitely don’t have diabetes. In fact, I’ve never even written a post about diabetes. Not a tweet, not a Facebook post, nothing since a Myspace note (or whatever they were called) about a friend of mine who passed away when I was in high school. Nope, all I did was write a sarcastic comment on another’s blog about a fake pop up website that didn’t actually exist. And I happened to mention diabetes. (Also sexy Asian women, but no spammers picked up on that one.)

Now I have a new non-real friend who is deeply concerned about my pancreatic function! Miracle of miracles!

Next I got a comment from a “user” slash virtual personality with the email: “manring” at such-and-such dot com. Man ring? Like, a statement on progressive notions about marriage? Or appendage fashion? Such forward thinking!

Last week, it was someone who wants to interview me about the design of my blog. I can totally understand why, because I spent thousands of dollars on my university education in order to go online, use one of the preset WordPress layouts, and change the color. It’s pretty inspirational, which is why, if this were actually a real person commenting on my blog, I would go to coffee with him or her and totally not get abducted and chopped into a hundred pieces by a psychopath.

I know that that won’t happen because of the compliment this spammer started with: “this is often a wonderful blog.” Do you see that? Often! That’s better than being “seldom” wonderful or “occasionally” wonderful or “wonderful only on Tuesdays”!

And last but not least, a comment today from a question and answer service, beginning with “Can I check my own prostate?” An excellent question. I, personally, do not feel that anyone should attempt to check his or her own prostate. I mean his own prostate. She is welcome to check her own prostate whenever she pleases, however she might choose to do that. He, on the other hand, should consult a doctor, which I would tell this spammer if there was an email attached to the comment. But, alas, there is not. Such a lost opportunity for a deep, philosophical discussion about the state of our nation’s healthcare. And also, butts.

I am so blessed with supportive, understanding spammers who appreciate me. On the days when I just don’t feel up to, well, anything, I turn to them for the confidence boost that so faithfully comes every two or three posts.

Here is my virtual hug to you, my friends of electronic imagination! Thank you for being you!


5 thoughts on “My Real Friends Don’t Even Care About My Pancreas

  1. When you first posted this, honestly, I was a little jealous. Seriously, I know my blog is brand new and I’ve done NOTHING to advertise, but I had yet to receive a SINGLE spam comment. I felt so left out.
    Then, all of a sudden, someone opened the floodgates and the spam came pouring in (wow, the visual image of that is horrific)! Coincidence?

    Well… ya. I guess so.

    • I made the terrible mistake of deleting some of them a few weeks ago; I want them back! Just wait, you’re going to have plenty of opportunities for spammers to ask you about diseases and disorders that you (hopefully) don’t actually have.

  2. Pingback: Thanks Akismet! « CrakGenius

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