Bite Me

Hey there, I’m Ji–

Jillian.

Ow. What was that?

Nice to meet you. Thank you so much for let–

letting me stay here. Seriously. Something just bit me on the back of the leg. And it…Oh my gosh, it itches.

I really appreciate it. Sure, if you could just grab that b–bag, that bag, then I’ll grab these ones and we can head on inside.

If I swing my backpack like…that…and bend my back like…that…and….it…just…barely…there! Got it! Perfect landing for the “accidental” itch of the offending leg. Whatever you do, don’t look like you’re scratching your butt. Yes, the teenagers would have thought that was funny, but you are in polite society now. They probably even have 2-ply toilet paper. So just think, you have that to look forward to.

It burns. Good Lord, it burns. Are bites supposed to do that? Maybe someone put out a cigarette on my thigh. From the back. Without my noticing them.

Oh no. My shorts’ hem is going to rub up against it. Damn you, beautiful, sunny day! Walk…very…carefully. Long strides. Not too fast. Atta girl; I’m proud of you.

Dinner sounds great! Well, I haven’t eaten a lot of lamb in my life, but I think you can convince me to give it a go. Outside? Absolutely. I’d be happy to grab the silverware, if you’d like.

Don’t use the fork to scratch your leg. Don’t use the fork to scratch your leg. Don’t use the fork to scratch your leg.

Your patio is beautiful! And everything smells wonderful! And I’m going to die!

A glass of wine would be great. Here, let me hand you my glass so it’s a little closer. Thereby scraping my leg against the chair cushion like…that. Ahhhh…

Is this what crack is like? Actually, they say this is what Tourette’s is like– a mental itch that you have to scratch. I could totally use that if I ever write anything about a person with Tourette’s. This is all assuming that I don’t get blood poisoning from this monstrous creature which began devouring my leg. I could start rotting from the inside out. Or get that flesh-eating bacteria, then I’d be rotting from the inside and the outside. They’d probably name a medical foundation after me.

It’s delicious, yes, thank you! I’ve been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all week, so real food is much appreciated. I really like the horseradish mustard. It has some good heat to it.

Not that I need any heat. I must have pit stains bigger than a vegetarian at a cannibal convention.

Just. Want. To. Scratch.

I’m sorry, what was that? Oh no, the flies aren’t bothering me at all.

Until they start laying eggs in the orifices of my corpse.

It’s definitely the price we pay for having such beautiful weather. Oh, there are deer out here too? That’s lovely!

Deer ticks.

OMG what if it was a deer tick? Lyme Disease is a whole new way to waste away and die. They don’t even test for it; you have to ask for the test yourself.

Maybe by that point I won’t even be able to talk. My jaw will be locked in a permanent half-gape. I will always look like I’m about to say something profound, but never be able to voice my heartfelt expressions. Wait, isn’t that tetanus that gives you lock-jaw? Can I get tetanus from a bug?

I know, it’s so nice to have time just to sit and enjoy everything instead of rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off.

Chickens get their legs cut off all the time. Drumsticks. I will cut my leg off and scream “For the Colonel!” as I do it if I don’t get some ointment soon.

Ointment is a disgusting word. Never say that again.

Yes, I’m all done, thank you. It was delicious! Inside? Sure, we could head inside. I think I can hear the couch calling my name. If you’ll excuse me for one moment, I’m just going to run upstairs and get something out of my bag. I’ll be right back.

With anti-itch cream. Or a machete. This is why I always come prepared.

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