Fritz and Cookies

Due to the poor decisions of our overseas brethren (Read: A strategic, government endorsed genocide and eugenics program of atrocity), German-Americans rarely announce our heritage. We eat a lot of sausage. We spell October with a “k” when the occasion presents itself. We have a genetic predisposition to like beer.

We also race wiener dogs.

Well, not all of us. But my cousins do. For close to a year now, they’ve been the proud parents of a Miniature Dachshund named Chuck Norris– Nora for short. Naturally.

Nora is a remarkable specimen. Not only is she not a lunatic– a common characteristic of her breed– but she also might be the fastest Miniature Dachshund in the world. Or the Central Washington region.

You see, one night, my cousin and her husband were sitting around their house drinking wine (as all good stories begin). They decided to google “How to train your wiener dog to race”…because why not?

The best answer on Yahoo Answers, the king of all advice columns, explains that first you must train your dog to respond to food incentives. Apparently, seductive glances don’t really do the trick. Next, you must create a signal to your dog so that they respond to only you. It shouldn’t be something that happens often, so as not to confuse your pooch. A trill, perhaps. Or a special clap sequence. Or combining your dog’s name with the type of food you are offering.

If your dog is named Fritz, and you are offering him a cookie, you might yell, “Fritz! Cookie!”

If your dog is named Nora, and you are offering her a bit of hash browns, you might yell,

FRRRREETZCOOKIEEEEEE!!”

in a shrill and feral shriek.

And then Nora will come streaking across the freshly mown grass in a gallop of sheer joy. She will out race the fastest jet airplane in pursuit of her “fritzcookie,” whatever that is. She will bound to the end of the racing line, a flash of black and brown and German precision to form.

The Romanian judges only gave her a 4.9, but she has a really good start off the blocks. 2013– the Germans are going to take it all.

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