If You Give A Mormon A Mustache

The secret to a well-executed bachelorette party is all in the preparation.

First, prepare a theme for the night. Say, mustaches.

Second, accumulate as many mustache-related articles as possible. Mustache t-shirts. Mustache toothpicks. Play-dough for “Pin the Mustache on the Groom.” Mustache mad libs. Mustache themed-drinks (no hair involved). And of course, a mustache scavenger hunt.

While accomplishing said mustache scavenger hunt, boldly declare to every man at the mall that his is the greatest facial hair you have ever seen, so impressive that you must take a picture with him (or her?). With this new-found boldness not at all prompted by liquid courage or the need to prove yourself worthy of bachelorette history, then begin performing acts of daring and charm motivated by the opportunity to win mustache themed gifts. Dancing on the bar will occur. A presumably deaf man will ask you to dance through pantomime. The stage has been set for something spectacular to occur, because good planning must always pay off. The Mustache Bash must be a success!

Finally, a group of five young men wearing black pants, white button up shirts, black ties, and black suspenders will walk through the door, having the honorable distinction of being the second most conspicuous group after the mustache-prowling women.

One member of the bachelorette party will reward another member with a finger mustache if she goes up to the young men and asks the question that is rarely heard within the confines of an alcohol-serving establishment: “So are you guys Mormons?”

They will respond with “No, we were the groomsmen at a wedding which was super lame and did not include enough dancing to satisfy our need to get a little jiggy with it. Also, the bridesmaids were ugly.” This will explain the corsages still pinned to a couple shirts, as it is not a generally agreed upon aspect of the Mormon missionary uniform to wear a corsage. The young men will also laugh and not look entirely offended, which will promptly earn them the nickname “The Mormons” for the rest of the night. It will be remarked upon with great sadness that only one of The Mormons has a mustache.

The live band will overhear said nickname and will announce to the entire alcohol-serving establishment that “these are the coolest Mormons ever.” So the entire bar now asks them if they are Mormons.

They will love it.

When offered a drink in exchange for a finger mustache, they will gladly accept and wear the mustaches (on their faces) with pride. And they will dance. And they will dance. And they will jig. And they will attempt to swing dance, but it will fail miserably, so they will just dance again. All the while, they will be stroking their mustaches in a distinguished manner, looking pensive and dashing but actually just trying to combat the sweat quickly building on their upper lips.

At the end of the night, they will give hugs and exclaim that “You are the coolest chicks ever!”

If you give a Mormon a mustache, you’re in for one heck of a party.

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5 thoughts on “If You Give A Mormon A Mustache

  1. The quarter machines at the entrance doors of grocery stores here in Arizona regularly feature fake mustaches. I suppose the popularity of the mustache is proportionate to the distance from Mexico, or something like that. Anyway, my kids are absolutely addicted to begging quarters, buying fake mustaches, and wearing them as fake uni-brows. Which, of course, I encourage.

  2. Ah, the next highly anticipated follow up series to the “If you give a mouse a cookie” children’s book series. I am breathless with anticipation as to the imminent arrival of these brilliant works. Will they come with paper mustaches?

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